![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() However, because you’re unable to acknowledge how your own thought patterns created these unwanted situations, you mistakenly assume that other people are making you do things that you don’t want to do. You agree to things that you don’t want to do: Even though this approach garners positive feedback, doing things you don’t want to do often makes you feel angry and resentful. However, the more you avoid expressing your true opinions, the more insecure you feel in your relationships-you never know if people like you for who you are or because you’re validating their opinions. You pretend to agree with others: Because you want to get along with others and receive positive feedback, you avoid disagreeing with them-either by pretending to take their side or staying quiet. This is because it leads to a number of unhealthy behaviors and thought patterns, such as: Though unconscious, this mental association now shapes the way you think about and react to various situations and contributes to many of your unwanted feelings. Therefore, you unconsciously associated expressing disagreement with punishment and labeled disagreement as “bad” or “wrong” in your mind. Your tantrums were your way of expressing disagreement with something that you were expected to do. You used to get punished for having tantrums as a child. Example: Suppressed Feelings Lead to Irrational Thoughts and Emotions However, these suppressed feelings continue to live on inside you, get stronger the more you try to deny them, and morph into irrational thought patterns and emotional reactions that stifle your capacity to feel positive emotions. You also judge other people who express these feelings as “bad” or “wrong.” As a result, you feel ashamed each time these feelings come up, pretend that you don’t feel them, and try to avoid people and situations that might trigger them. Negative Habit #1: You Suppress Your FeelingsĪccording to Wiest, your conditioning inadvertently taught you to believe that some feelings are unacceptable or bad. Let’s explore how these two habits contribute to unwanted experiences and feelings of powerlessness in more detail. This is because seeking validation compels you to engage in two habits that disconnect you from your true needs and make you feel powerless to change your emotions: suppressing your feelings and pursuing the wrong goals. Continually looking for ways to fix yourself so that you can elicit positive feedback-and thus feel more deserving of happinessĪccording to Wiest, relying on positive feedback to feel happy creates a breeding ground for unwanted experiences and negative feelings.Interpreting others’ responses to you as an indication of how happy you deserve to be.We’ve just explained how the mental associations you unconsciously formed as a child compel you to engage in two unhealthy thought patterns: Part #3: Chasing Validation Makes You Unhappy As a result, they feel more uncomfortable about interacting with others and this compels them to continue projecting an altered image of themselves. This leads them to question whether people like them for who they are or for the act they put on. As a result, they find themselves projecting a (false) gregarious persona to mask their shyness. This is because their discomfort around others leads them to overact to compensate for their shyness. For example, sometimes shy people come across as loud and overbearing. These feelings both reflect and encourage inauthentic behavior and feelings of unhappiness. Consequently, you can figure out if you base your happiness on others’ opinions of you by considering how often you feel:Įmbarrassed by things you’ve done or saidĪwkward and self-conscious in daily interactions And psychologists agree that acting inauthentically-projecting an image that conforms to what you think others want from you-makes you feel inadequate and unhappy.įurther, the research concludes that feelings of discomfort and inauthentic behavior go hand-in-hand. Research in the area of authenticity confirms Wiest’s claim that many people base their self-judgment and happiness on how they think others perceive them. How Seeking External Validation Affects Self-Judgment and Behavior You think this will make him want to commit to you-and prove (to you) that you are worthy of love and that you do deserve to be happy. You try to figure out why he doesn’t think you’re worthy of love: Because you’re too needy? Or maybe it’s because you’re too fat? In the next relationship, you’ll try to make your partner believe that you’re worthy of love by acting more aloof and going on a strict diet. You assume that he doesn’t think you’re worth committing to, and not worthy of love. The following example demonstrates how this plays out: You then strive to resolve this by attempting to fix what’s “wrong” with you-hoping that this fix will invite positive feedback. ![]()
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